Monday, February 13, 2006

Evolution Sunday

If you didn't know, yesterday was Evolution Sunday, where churches across the globe distanced themselves from those wascally cweationists, and celebrated the contributions of Charles Darwin. I'd like to share the liturgy of our solemn worship with you now.

The choir led us in a rousing rendition of

"Guide me O thou great Selection,
Primate through this barren land.
I am fit, so sure is my survival;
Change me to an upright man.
Evolution, Evolution,
Morph me till I can no more;
Morph me till I can no more."

Then we all recited the Five Points of Darwinism, or the acrostic "THORN," as we say in our circles:

Total Vulnerablity- we're at the mercy of nature
Humanism- we must strive to advance a master race
Oops- we're the product of chance, not design
Resistance is Futile- you will be assimilated
Natural Selection- (although it IS unconditional)

Then we heard a wonderfully zealous sermon on sanctification called, "From Goo, to the Zoo, to You"

And we of course recited the Nicene Creed (21st Century Version):

I believe in the Bang Almighty,
the Beginner of space and earth,
and in the Primordial Goo, life's womb:

In which life was conceived by complete chance,
born as an amoeba,
evolved into an insect,
and then a worm, fish, and a whale.

Thus the origin of mammals.

The third billion year period it rose from the sea.

It ascended onto the beach
and crawled into the forest,
where it became an ape
so he could hide in the trees away from predators
in order to stay living and not become dead.
From whence it came down from the trees and began to farm, create religion, and have mortgages.

I believe in the Survival of the Fittest,
the holy Natural Selection,
the evolution of organisms,
the nonexistence of sins,
the worthlessness of the body,
and life nothing special.

Finally, we partook of a communion of bananas in remembrance of Charles Darwin.

Of course we didn't offer up any prayers of petition because we know that praying against cancer and other illnesses would be against natural selection, and would be contrary to survival of the fittest.